Graham's True Stories
Number 24, How to Make Tea

Don't tell me, I know this story is a little out of sequence, but time is short and it could be the most important thing you ever see on the Internet.

I’m cheating here a little and using my true story category to make a very important personal plea. I know the power and the spread of the Internet and I want to use it here to make our forthcoming American visit to search for sewing machines, that much more enjoyable.

Please Mr and Mrs America, please learn how to make a cup of tea.

Let me tell you how we do it in England.

We'll assume that we are all using tea bags for the purpose of this instruction.

Take tea bag and put in cup. Take cup to source of boiling (that's boiling as in boiling) water. Decant boiling water into cup.

That's all there is to it.

But let me tell you how you do it in America. A typical family restaurant will suffice for our example.

Take order from Englishman for cup of tea. Insult him by asking does he want it hot or iced. (No-one but no-one outside of the USA drinks cold tea) Take glass to special container of luke-warm water and fill. Put glass on counter and search in drawer for supply of tea bags. Go ask Joe in the kitchen where the tea bags are. Find one and place it on counter next to glass of tepid water. Search in other drawer for special, stainless-steel glass holder. Write cheque for table number five. Put glass of barely warm water in holder. Give truck driver directions for finding the Interstate. Take cup of near-cold water and tea bag to customer .Be sure that there is absolutely nowhere for customer to put dripping tea bag when he takes it from the glass. Put glass and tea bag on table.

Say “enjoy”.

Should the Englishman call you back, plunge three fingers into the glass, hold them there and say “I shouldn't be able to do this “ - that will be me, making yet another vain attempt to educate the people of America into the noble art.